Jokes about property owners, tenants and brokers

The real estate agent explains:

- I want to be completely honest with you. This house has its drawbacks. To the north of it is a huge garbage dump, to the east - a septic tank, to the south - a pig farm, and to the west - a fish factory.

- What are you saying?! And what are the advantages of this house?

The agent answers very convincingly:

- You always know exactly which way the wind is blowing!

 ***

The owner of the house sternly asks the new tenant:

- I hope you don't have children? I can't stand their screaming.

- No, I'm alone.

- Dogs, cats? They disturb the tenants.

- No.

- You won't turn on the radio? Play musical instruments?

- No, I don't plan to. But I want to warn you: I'm a writer, sometimes I write, and the pen squeaks a little...

***

Landlord:

— I won't let you out of the room that you're occupying until you pay for it.

 Student:

— Thank you very much! I'm finally provided with housing for a long time

***

It's boring at home and expensive outside

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The most important invention in human history is the written contract. It allows people to put down on paper all the reasons why they don't trust each other.

***

A family bought an apartment. They started to do some renovations. The wife says to her husband:

- Go to the neighbors below, ask them how many rolls of wallpaper they bought when they did their renovations.

He went, and they told him:

- Twenty.

They bought them, and started to glue them. There were 6 rolls left. The husband is angry, and goes to the neighbors again:

- What, you bastards, was it so hard to tell the truth? We have 6 rolls left!

- Oh, right, we have 6 left too.

***

Colleagues ask the lucky guy who got a new municipal apartment:

- How many defects did you find in the new apartment?

- One so far.

- That's great! What kind?

- I can't open the door

***

A realtor and a married couple who are planning to buy a house in the countryside are talking.

- The house you showed us yesterday is very nice. But the horrible concrete building opposite spoils the whole view.

- It's okay. It's a dynamite factory. Sooner or later it'll blow up anyway.

***

The rich owner says to the architect:

- To the right of the villa, build three pools: one with warm water, the second with cold water, and the third without water at all.

- Why a pool without water?

- Some of my friends can't swim.

***

The director of a real estate agency asks a candidate at an interview:

- Young man, why did you decide to come to work for our agency?

- Dad, don't ask stupid questions!

***

A man calls his friend.

- Hi! My wife and I just bought a new apartment!.. Can you lend me some bread?..

***

Tenant to landlord:

- Landlord, I need 12 more keys - for me and my friends!

Landlord with a sigh:

- Maybe it would be better to install a revolving door?

***

When people tell you that you have a cozy home, they usually mean that it is small, cramped and cluttered with furniture.

***

- Your daughter's piano lessons must have cost a fortune?

- On the contrary. Thanks to them, I bought the apartment next door for half the price.

***

A woman consults a salesperson at a building supply store:

- I have three children. One is three, the other is six, and the third will soon be ten. What would you recommend for covering the floors in the nursery?

Seller (thoughtfully):

- It would be better, of course, to pave…

***

A real estate agent comes home. The wife asks:

- Where have you been?

- Showing the apartment.

- Why do you smell like alcohol?

- Should I smell like the apartment?

***

A guy complains to a friend:

- It's hard to sell the apartment - my parents are always at home!

***

Husband to wife:

- Darling! We will now live in an expensive apartment!

- Darling! Have you finally decided to buy a good apartment?

- No, it's just that utility bills have gone up again.

***

Customer to the builder:

- In my opinion, the walls are too thin...

- They're fine. There will be wallpaper too.!

***

Calling a real estate agency:

- Hello. I would like to speak to my manager.

- I'm sorry, but that's impossible - he's not here.

- How could he not - I saw him through the window a minute ago!

- He saw you too...

***

A client asks a realtor:

- Why does a realtor always answer a question with a question?

- Why do you need to know this?

***

- This is simply outrageous! - the tenant says to the landlady. - I have been living in your house for six months, and you only told me today that there is no bathtub!

***

The exam for a realtor certificate is underway.

- What is two times two?

- Excuse me, are we buying or selling?

***

A real estate agent receives a potential buyer in his office. Smiling broadly, he says:

- Well, first tell me how much you think you'll pay for this house. We'll have a good laugh, and then we'll get down to business.

***

Conversation between a tenant and his landlady:

- When I moved out of my previous apartment, my landlady cried.

- Don't worry, it won't happen to me. I'll take my rent in advance.

***

Buy an apartment, pay your taxes and sleep soundly: in a park, on a bench, at the train station...

***

Nothing cements a marriage like real estate...